Vulnerability

           The third part of an operational definition of love is vulnerability. Vulnerability is when you do not have control.  

John Joe Lakers, who gave me many of these ideas, tells the story of a couple he had been helping to prepare for marriage.

Laura and Mark were meeting with JJ in his office. Mark had been set to graduate from QU in the spring, but Laura was going to have to return to QU for another year. Mark was in turmoil; he had not yet heard from the graduate schools to which he had applied, and he was afraid that Laura might fall in love with someone else during the year they planned to be apart. As the two of them talked with JJ about the future, Mark suddenly broke down and cried in Laura’s arms.

 

At that moment, Laura knew that she wanted to spend her life with him.

 

Later, Laura and Mark were re-living the event with JJ. As Laura described her experience,  tears of joy came to her eyes. His breaking down had showed her the depth of his love for her. Mark’s memory of the event was different. He said: “I never felt so unlovable in my life, and I was determined that it would never happen again.”

 

JJ’s comment: If both Laura and Mark had not been together physically at the moment when they recalled the experience of his breaking down, both of them could have gone through life without ever knowing how different their experience of the event was. Mark would never have known how wrong he was when he determined never to let something like that happen again.

 

Men are supposed to be in control, not to show vulnerability.

 

Our society fears vulnerability. We need security. But if we let security take over our ability to be vulnerable to the people we love, we imprison ourselves.

 

The First Letter of John says “Perfect love drives out fear.” To love is to go ahead even when you know you might get hurt. You ignore the fear when you decide to love.

 

Three of the four elements of an operational definition of love are respect, faithfulness, and vulnerability. Those three are under our control. The fourth one, passion or emotion, requires special treatment because passion or emotion is not under our control. We decide to be respectful, faithful, or vulnerable. The Marriage Encounter slogan was “Love is a decision, not a feeling.” We cannot decide to be emotional. We can control what we do when we experience emotions, but we cannot control the emotions themselves. They just happen.

 

published in Muddy River News, March 14, 2026